Good Listening is Not a Sign of Weakness

Or agreement! Besides being hard to do, deep listening might strike some people as betraying their principles (if the speaker is saying things that are totally against the listener’s beliefs). While that is understandable in certain circumstances it is not the case in conflict situations and can miss the point.

The point of listening closely without interrupting or expressing any opinion during the listening is to indicate to the speaker she or he is respected enough to be listened to. It opens potential for further communication. Sometimes we can learn or understand from deep listening something that we never realized before. We can see some value in a different point of view. Sometimes the speaker who might distrust or dislike the listener starts to see the listener in a fresh and better light. These effects can be a foothold toward further, calmer conversation where otherwise there is just conflict or division (hardened positions). I have seen this occur in tense mediations more than a few times.

I taught a high school class quite recently about the Rule of Law and the fundamental goals in the Preamble to the US Constitution. (Sound boring? It’s not.) The Rule of Law is the mechanism or foundation that enables people to seek happiness and their general welfare. As part of the class, we talked about how conflict detracts from the achieving the goals in the Preamble. We talked about how one process the law recognizes and gives us to do better than violence, despair or alienation, is mediation and facilitation. Then we started with a listening exercise for the students.

The students were naturals and participated enthusiastically! During their debrief after the exercise, hearing what they thought the experience of listening and being listened to was like was affirming. They wanted more. We then did a demo mediation of a fact pattern that they recognized as too common a problem in their young lives.

We wished there was more time in the class but it was a start. I hope they and the examples they can set help them build a strong society for their generation. They can be strong leaders and teach others that we all can do better.